


it sounds lovely

by flightofwonder



Series: i love the way you see the world [5]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: (with some changes we will get to later), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Deaf Character, Deaf Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Nile Freeman & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani Friendship, Nile Freeman Needs a Hug, POV Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Post-Canon, Soft Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, joe and i love nile so much: the fic, joe and nile don't click - until they do, joe represses some stuff that we will get into later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:20:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26518117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightofwonder/pseuds/flightofwonder
Summary: “Have you ever been to a concert?”Joe thought it might be a joke at first, but when Nile stared at him expectantly, he realized she was serious.
Relationships: Nile Freeman & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani
Series: i love the way you see the world [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864540
Comments: 54
Kudos: 303





	it sounds lovely

**Author's Note:**

> Few things to note:
> 
> Since ASL is the only language used in this story, I decided to not italicize the dialogue, but everything in quotations is being communicated via ASL. This will change in future stories where spoken languages are used alongside signed ones.
> 
> Also, there are a few references in this story that will only make sense when I post the other parts to this series. If you read something and you're like "what, I don't remember reading that", I promise that's on purpose. I'm hoping all the parts of this whole will make sense when the series is more fleshed out.
> 
> That being said, you don't have to read the rest of the series. The main thing to know is that Joe is deaf in this universe.

_"I don't know what to do with it. With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now."_

_"I'll take it. It sounds lovely."_

\- Fleabag

* * *

When it came to destiny, Joe operated on a bit more of a sliding scale than Nicky did. He didn’t offer his opinion to the group very often; they were already outbalanced with Booker and Andy’s morbid existentialism, and Nicky carried so much of the hope of the team on his shoulders already. Joe’s faith was strong, but his spiritual and philosophical views were not as innately tied together as Nicky’s were. His opinions shifted and ebbed like the tides while the others stayed rooted in their worldview. Nicky knew this and loved him for it, never asking to commit more of himself than reasonable, and in turn, Joe never disrespected Nicky’s strong faith in fate.

He knew the subject would come up when they introduced the newest one to their life - because it always did - but when Andy off-handedly mentioned that Joe was deaf and Nile signed a stunned _hello_ in ASL, the look Nicky gave Joe was exceedingly pointed.

But for the moment, Joe firmly elected to ignore any ideas of destiny, and focus on the newest member of his family in front of him. He signed back the greeting, then took her hand with a smile.

* * *

Something was off.

A lot of things were off, to be fair. Between learning of Booker’s treachery and Andy’s mortality, not to mention his and Nicky’s quote-unquote “recovery” from effectively being tortured for a few days – and no, he had no interest in unpacking that any time soon, thank you – these past few months have left them all on unsteady ground.

It was difficult, balancing his grief and anxiety for his family while also being sure to welcome Nile into the fold. More than anything, he didn’t want to take anything out on her by accident. Joe usually trusted his own emotions and let himself feel them freely, but he’d never felt _this_ before: this raw and hurt and furious pit in his stomach that threatened to upend everything at the slightest tremor of a reminder. That was his problem to deal with, so he was extra conscientious to not drag that out around Nile, who had enough to adjust to as it was.

The first few days he thought things were fine – in the relative scheme of any of _them_ being fine, anyway. They were hiding out in an old cabin in the mountains of the Carolinas, and more than anything, Joe was just exhausted. If he had any thoughts about destiny linked to the fact that Nile already knew ASL, he shelved them for a later date and just felt grateful that she did. They could start from scratch if they needed to, but recent circumstances left Joe more exhausted than eager to do so.

(And when he thought of teaching the newest family member a sign language, images came to mind that Joe wasn’t ready to contend with yet: he and Booker crouched over a table piled high with papers, scribbling with him back and forth, ribbing the other man for his sloppy signing technique and making easy bets on how long it would take Sébastien to be fluent in his own damn language. These memories of their budding camaraderie were at direct odds with Booker’s betrayal, and Joe didn’t know how to reconcile them.)

The fact that she knew a sign language wasn’t in and of itself a remarkable coincidence, despite what Nicky might have believed. In terms of languages, ASL was still fairly new, and one of the upsides to this new technological age was accessibility in education. So, with Nile’s arrival, the _langue franca_ of the family changed from French sign language to the standardized American sign language. Considering their similar roots and history, it was an easy switch. With little fanfare, Joe was able to communicate with Nile and she was perfectly cordial with him as they settled into their new routine.

Nicky barely let Joe out of his sight those first few weeks, and the feeling was mutual, so took a few days to break out of their haze of desperation and notice that there was starting to be a difference between the way Nile connected with each of them. 

There was something _between_ him and Nile of them that wasn’t between her and the others. He wouldn’t be dramatic and call it a _wall_ , which made Nile come off as much more severe and unfeeling than she really was. Nile had so much heart, and it was evident in everything she did. She never shied away from the details of past missions, always followed up with questions about the victims that more callous people wouldn’t be inclined to ask. When she wasn’t tested at being debriefed, Joe was starting to catch glimpses of how engaging and open and honest she could be, but only from the outside looking in.

She was obviously already very close with Andy, practically matching her step for step and listening to everything she had to say, and something easy was forming between her and Nicky by the way she asked him to teach her about their protocols and safehouses and the stash of weapons at each of them, and how those conversations would morph to more mundane lessons, like teaching her what ingredients were in season and how all of them liked their tea. At least, that was how Nicky recalled their interactions later. Nile never stuck around for Joe to see it happen himself. The few times he’d caught Nile rapt with attention on Nicky or Andy verbally telling a story, when they switched to sign for his benefit, she always found a reason to politely leave the room.

Nile was never unkind, of that, Joe could swear. She wasn’t even rude, still taking the time to offer a weak smile before excusing herself, the creeping despair in her eyes betraying the need to deal with the turbulent emotions that came out of the blue; they all knew that look on one another and saw it on each other’s faces sometimes, even now. Compared to Booker at the start, she was practically angelic during her adjustment. When Joe made her coffee or passed her a language workbook, a signed _thanks_ was exactly where it was expected to be, her smile small but seemingly sincere. But it never stuck around, it never lingered on him.

If Joe didn’t know any better, he would think that Nile had some problem with him being deaf. He knew this wasn’t true, for a few reasons. First, back in the now-defunct Charlie house, she had explained that her brother was deaf, and that was why she was fluent in sign language. It would be notably backward for her to learn ASL for family and have some issue using it.

More importantly, however, Nile didn’t treat him any differently when they trained. She never went easy on him or treated him delicately as he quietly feared she might, and she was eager to learn their silent signals of communication for when they were in the field, implementing them damn near perfectly.

They had worked well together at Merrick’s, too, when she found him. He still wouldn’t tell Nicky about what happened when they were separated; Nile was the only one who had the faintest idea. She didn’t push, and he didn’t offer. Something else to be unpacked in the indefinite _later_.

It would be naïve to assume their experience at Merrick's had nothing to do with the invisible barrier between them - the state Nile found him in wasn't pretty - but if that were the whole reason, they wouldn’t work together as well as they did. It didn’t happen between the four of them, but Joe knew from working with practical strangers what happened when a teammate doubted your ability. If Nile thought Joe wasn’t capable, she would’ve made it known despite herself. But it was clear when they trained that she trusted him as a fellow soldier. That left the more worrying option: that she didn’t trust him as a person.

Joe hoped that something more would come to light as they trained, but if anything, she doubled down on her distancing. Nile’s attention was razor-sharp whenever they worked on techniques that she’d never encountered before, and even more so when trying to improve upon the skills she already had. When she missed a step or got knocked down, she was up and at it again, quick as lighting and just as dangerous. Joe was impressed, all of them were, and they said as much.

But Nile didn’t seem interested in engaging with the more playful antics of their training. Quips, in particular, were release valves when Nicky, Andy, and Booker sparred, reassuring jokes and affectionate goading that stopped them from getting too stressed or overworked. Joe couldn’t add his own quips, of course – his hands were a little busy holding a rifle or blocking a move – but he made up for them in winks and smiles of all sizes and manners.

But Joe could tell that Nile wasn’t engaging with any them. Every muscle in her body rigid and stiff with intention, her eyes always forward and focused. Nile was determined and active and non-stop, and that was rejuvenating for their team, but at some point, she would have to learn what they all did, eventually: going full throttle one hundred percent of the time rarely made them better fighters. They all understood that training for their unknowable future was the priority, and they had to live with the fact that innocent lives were always going to be on the line. But at a certain point, that wall of exhaustion hit, and it hit hard. If they didn’t let off some steam a bit around each other, they were liable to lose their minds. They were still human. But Nile showed no signs of stopping as the weeks sped by.

Between casual interactions and rigorous training, Joe still couldn’t find an in with her. She never stopped long enough for him to do so. This was somewhat new for Joe, because – barring the monsters they faced – Joe generally liked people, and interacting with them was one of his greatest skills. Genuine interest drove his easy acquaintance wherever they went, usually with Nicky as his interpreter. He could and often did use this talent to gather intel, but he honestly liked learning about the people wherever they went, too. It was rarely the case that Joe couldn’t get a good read someone or charm his way into getting them to like him.

But Nile wasn’t the first not to fall for Joe’s charms, so he tried not to take it too personally. There could be several reasons why they weren’t clicking, and it would be childish to assume that it had everything to do with him. She joined their family at possibly the worst time, abruptly losing her family and worldview while being violently introduced to new ones. All of them knew that she needed space and time, maybe even more than the natural span of her lifetime. It took Joe twice as long to come to terms with the fact that he had lost every connection he once had to his homeland, and Nicky, Quynh, and Andy were the only reasons he didn’t fall apart for years at a time when he realized he’d lost track of his family’s lineage and would never be able to pick it up again.

So, of course, Nile didn’t fit with them perfectly at first. When Booker earned his immortality, they hadn’t needed to worry about the immediate threat of being hunted or betrayed, and the stress from his situation was still enough to send Book screaming before disappearing into the night. But Booker’s ire was easier to swallow when directed at all of them. Nile was obviously more comfortable around Andy and Nicky. Or, an unhappy thought: Joe was doing something to make Nile uncomfortable. If that were the case, he wished she’d tell him outright, but he knew better than anyone that wishes could not be manifested by will alone.

But Joe was patient, or at least he told himself he was. Some relationships just took longer to bloom than others. He remembered early fears from Nicky that Quynh disliked him, when she just related to Joe’s more boisterous nature. With time, it became clear she loved them both equally and uniquely. Sometimes, all it took was time and space. If nothing else, they had plenty of time. If space was what she needed from him, he could give her that.

Of course, a whole fourteen hours after having made this decision, Joe saw her lacing up early one morning for a run and offered to go with her. He thought she might say no at first, and he told himself wouldn’t be upset if she did. But she looked at him a moment, then nodded, so he called out to Nicky before grabbing his jacket and following her to the trail he’s caught her looping before.

That was when things started to change. Surprisingly, running seemed to ease the way with them in a way nothing had before. Unlike most of their training, running a mile an extra minute faster was not a skill that would often make the difference between life and death on a mission, and as he started joining her on her runs, it became obvious that it was a comforting routine for Nile. Her eyes were just as focused as they ever were, but they looked a little clearer. Her intensity seemed to be allowed to simmer while he was running by her side. It gave him some hope to see it.

The group made their way west in the country and Joe had the feeling that Andy purposefully chose some more comfortable places in the months after Merrick, but frankly, Joe wasn’t about to argue it. Wherever they ended up, Nile found places to jog. Andy and Nicky didn’t join them – Andy because training as a mortal was taking a bigger toll than expected, and Nicky because he declared that he would literally rather be tortured than willingly go on a run – so Joe and Nile were left to their own devices. Soon, it got to a point where Joe no longer asked and Nile just waited for him to join her in the mornings before setting off. When she first made a quip about him sleeping in like an old man, Joe probably laughed too loudly. A knot unwound in his chest.

For a while, he let her set the pace. He had the feeling that was what she needed. But as the tension between them lessened, Joe and his naturally more playful side came out. He started sprinting ahead out of nowhere, throwing Nile a mischievous grin as he flew past. Inevitably, the spurt of energy would wear out and Nile would outpace him again, somehow managing to look pissed-off while laughing. Eventually, she flicked him off every time she passed, and he laughed in return.

Things started to change off the track, too. It was as if both had uniformly decided to let go of a breath they’d been holding, bit by bit. Nile was more likely than not to stay when Andy had the energy to sign a story, and even started asking Joe for some of his own. He winked at her in the middle of a boxing bout and instead of closing off, she smirked; she also threw in a few fake-out jabs that he suspected were just to annoy him. She didn’t unfold like a flower, because that wasn’t what she was; more like she uncoiled like a cat of prey. Still alert, still dangerous, but more prone to fits of leisure and play.

Her beautiful black eyes would still get distant. She would leave the room or go to town out of the blue, and there would be days where Nile would sign no more than a _hello_ to Joe before retreating to whatever task was in front of her. And it still unnerved Joe a bit that he couldn’t figure out what it had to do with him, exactly, because when she watched him sign, he sometimes got the distinct impression she was seeing somebody else.

But Nile still waited for him every morning, so he put it to one side and decided to trust that she would know that she could come to him when she was ready to.

That morning, they didn’t talk as they made their way through the early mist that was just starting to disappear. Nile had her headphones in, and Joe ran to the left of her. It was a natural rhythm, the one first they’d forged, and it held a special place in Joe’s heart for it.

Joe decided to give her a random sprint for the hell of it. He made it a few meters ahead before he stopped and turned around. This was always the reason she inevitably outplaced him, but Joe liked to be sure that Nile was laughing.

And she was. She also spitefully threw him a sign that he didn’t recognize, which was such a novelty to him that he felt his whole face light up.

Nile rolled her eyes and ran past with her usual grace and rude gesture, and he had to run to catch up with her before the final mile.

They eased back into a regular pace before cooling down to a walk, the house they were staying at now visible in the distance. The sun was just barely above the horizon, but it was noticeably hotter than when they started. Joe took a swig of his water bottle while Nile looked at her phone without her earbuds plugged in. That distant look was already creeping back onto her face as she stared at her screen. Joe tried not to feel disappointed but instead grateful that they had such a good morning. After all these centuries, no one counted their blessings quite as rigorously as Joe did.

When they got to the fence the marked that property they were staying at, though, Nile stopped walking. Joe paused a few steps ahead of her when he noticed she wasn’t next to him anymore, and he turned around to see her leaning against the fence, eyes still glued to her phone.

“You okay?” Joe asked, fully expecting to be shrugged off, but instead, Nile closed her eyes. Before he could take a full step forward, however, her eyes flew open again, and he relaxed at the sight. There was something decided in her expression than wasn’t there a moment before.

Still, when she gestured for him to join him by the wooden posts, he wasn’t expecting the question she signed to him.

“Have you ever been to a concert?”

Joe thought it might be a joke at first, but when Nile stared at him expectantly, he realized she was serious. He shook his head, and Nile looked back down at her phone. A few moments passed before she put it in her pocket.

“I have tickets,” Nile signed slowly but surely, not quite meeting Joe’s eyes. “It’s a concert out in Ohio. We could probably drive there from here.”

Joe nodded and waited for Nile to clarify. She glanced at him for a fraction of a second before continuing.

“It’s in the ASL interpreter’s section. I was.” She paused in her movements before starting again. “It was going to be a birthday present for my brother.”

 _Oh_. Joe crossed his arms as some pieces started to slot into place.

Nile’s brother. This was the first time she had brought him up since the night they were all introduced. She had learned ASL for him, maybe even with him.

This was Nile’s last gift to her only brother, and she couldn’t give it to him. Instead, she was choosing to share it with Joe.

Something warm settled in Joe’s chest. Even if Joe had some personal reservations about going to a concert, he wasn’t about to turn away this gesture for what it was.

Joe nodded his head again, more confidently this time. Nile blinked at him, and it was Joe’s turn to roll his eyes before nodding a third time to get his point across.

The dazzling smile he got in return made him know that whatever he was in for, it was going to be worth it.

* * *

Joe hadn’t been to Cleveland since the fifties, and the landscape of America changed faster than that of other countries, so he didn’t recognize a lot on the drive over. Maybe he’d climbed these hills on horseback once, hundreds of years ago. After so much of the same greenery in this part of the country, it was hard to keep track.

It wasn’t a difficult drive, though it did involve two nights at motels on the side of the road. Joe didn’t love taking the wheel when he was with the group, too aware of conversations he couldn’t participate in, but the act itself was meditative, peaceful in a way, vaguely reminding him of riding with significantly fewer thigh cramps. He tried his best to enjoy being on the road with no deadly destination in mind. Even though Nile wasn’t exactly offering up conversations as a passenger.

Joe didn’t know if it was quiet in the car or not. Nile obviously enjoyed music a lot, refused to go on a run without her headphones, but Joe couldn’t tell if Nile was playing anything on the car speakers. Maybe she just had the base turned down low. When it was her turn to drive, she was good at it, but it was obvious that she didn’t have the same meditative experience he did. Her hands were white-knuckled on the steering wheel when they saw the first mile marker for Chicago.

Joe wondered if he should offer for them to pull over and talk. But Nile was like Andy, quick and efficient when it came to rest stops, and she was always the one waiting for Joe in the car during these breaks. To offer to turn around was an even more absurd idea. Nile might be the most goal-oriented person Joe has ever met – and considering his family, that was saying a lot. He already knew that if Nile wanted to do this, then they’d do it.

Still, Joe wished they were comfortable enough with each other for him to put his hand over hers on the wheel, a comforting gesture he’d done a hundred times for everyone else. But Nile was physically tense, straight as a rod, and he had proven to not be the most accurate judge of her character. He couldn’t figure out if such a gesture would be welcome.

When they got into Cleveland, though, Nile’s shoulders dropped a whole inch. Her smiles were sturdier when she looked out the window or in Joe’s direction, so of course, he smiled right back. The last ten miles, she was either listening to music or just singing to herself; he noticed her tapping her fingers on the wheel. Joe probably didn’t have the right to feel as fond as he did when he saw it.

It was a warm and windy day when they arrived that late morning. The concert they were going to was in Cain Park, situated right on Lake Erie. They checked into the motel and grabbed something to eat before walking to the open-air venue themselves, the lake glistening to their right as the sun sat above it.

“You’ve been here before,” Joe stated the obvious as they started their trek down the walkway.

“Yeah,” Nile admitted, and something in her expression opened wide, like Joe had never seen from her before. “A few times.”

Nile was a thousand times more talkative than she had been in the car in just the hour or so it took them to make their way to the venue, her eyes bright and clear as she signed to him. She talked about the first concert she ever went to with her brother, something with an absurd name and lots of glowsticks and recreational drugs. She talked about the first time she borrowed a car to bring her brother to a concert outside of the city when he was just thirteen and how it broke down on the way home, so she and her brother had to YouTube how to jumpstart a battery on their own.

And Nile talked about how _happy_ her baby brother always was to come to one of these, and no matter how expensive the tickets were, watching his face when he jumped with the music always made it worth it. As Joe watched Nile’s fingers dance with more levity than he’d seen from her in weeks, her usually guarded face now open and expressive, he couldn’t agree more with the sentiment. Just being back in this place of good memories was doing wonders for her, and his heart swelled with affection the more she shared with him.

When they got to the venue, Nile knew exactly where to go. She led him through the crowds and into a section by the upper right corner in front of the stage. There, Joe saw other people who were signing with each other. He immediately lit up and integrated into the casual conversations around him with ease. Nile followed him around, sometimes offering her own commentary, but for the most part, she seemed content to observe. The few times he had to turn around to locate her, she had a soft look on her face.

If there was one thing Joe genuinely still mourned from his time before the Crusades, it was a sense of community. He had his immortal family, of course, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything, but a community was something different. He had benefited from his first family’s ties as a child, secure in a safety net of their webbing wherever they went, and he adopted those connections as he took up his father’s mantle. Being deaf had its challenges, but everyone knew him and his family well enough to see the benefit of doing business with him, and Joe enjoyed seeing familiar faces and asking after their own families. He especially missed celebrating _Eid_ or the new year with a group of like-minded people. That was hard to do once he became immortal. He could still practice and celebrate, and he often did with Nicky, but the communal aspect was inherently lost, which sometimes cast a shadow over his efforts.

The first time he was able to communicate on his own with others after joining the immortal group was when they went to the New World in the 16th century and tried their best to help various tribes keep their land from encroaching Spaniards. Joe had made connections and ended up spending a whole decade with one of the Cherokee tribes. They had the first established sign language Joe had encountered and it was used frequently, not only among themselves, but between other local tribes for trading. It was a pidgin language, but it was revolutionary to Joe, and the bonds he had with the members of the tribe were so quick to form, so he ignored Andy’s warning and made himself a home with them. They made a space for him as a fellow fighter and trader for the tribe, instead of just the shadow he’d been to the world for the past hundreds of years, and Joe relished the opportunity to feel like a piece of a larger idea of home again.

But time marched on and left Joe behind, as always, and Joe knew he had to leave before others inevitably got suspicious. He kept saying to Nicky that they would go once whatever conflict they were embroiled with was over and won, but it became evident that tribal conflicts and these new wars with European allies and enemies would draw out for longer than a natural lifetime.

Joe was heartbroken to leave and to be relegated to the shadows once again; it was an ache he never truly healed from. And even centuries of attempts later, he’d never forgiven himself for failing to keep the invaders from almost wiping this community from their homes and history. Watching the brutal, genocidal attempt to destroy the people he loved by the hands of imperialists was not something Joe would ever learn how to abide. It wasn’t his pride to feel, he knew, but he did relish the fact that the Cherokee were still here and still fighting for their culture, despite every attempt to erase them.

Joe hadn’t tried again since then to make a permanent mark in an outside group, and he knew now that he wouldn’t, not until his and Nicky’s immortality left them to grow old like everyone else in the world. But he still felt lighter when he witnessed others sign with each other, especially with larger groups. Joe would never hold this against his family, but there were experiences that they just couldn’t relate to, and as much as he loved Nicky as his interpreter, it was so much easier to communicate with his own volition. So even if he could only have that freedom for a few hours, Joe took it with these strangers as they waited for the concert to start.

The first tremor of the earth left Joe bracing for an impact that didn’t come. It took him a moment to realize that the vibrations were coming at an even pace, and when he looked around, the crowd had their arms up in a cheer. Nile must have recognized his stance because she just widened her eyes teasingly and pointed to the stage, where speakers were at the feet of a woman who was starting to sign.

Joe gave her an appropriately bashful look, but in his defense, for the past few centuries the only things that were loud enough for him to feel ended up being deadly. Guns, cannons, bombs – it was a deep-seated instinct to be on guard when he felt those tremors in the earth. These rhythmic vibrations were different, though. Controlled, contained, and there was a purposeful arrangement that didn’t match up with the chaotic explosions of violence he was used to. As Nile bobbed her head up and down to the rhythm of it, he let himself relax and watch the interpreter start to perform on stage.

He wasn’t lying when he said he hadn’t done this before. Accessibility as a concept was still terrifyingly new, and it had to be fiercely fought for. Joe played a part in those marches and protests himself, mostly for the others like him whose livelihoods and lives were always risk and didn’t have the benefit of immortality. It was not something sweetly handed to them, as the narrative liked to go nowadays. It was in just a short span of his recent history that _some_ governments mandated _some_ accessibility, so he was more surprised than not when he encountered it himself in the wider world. In his experience, it was only the people who loved him that translated for him, so even though he knew this service existed, it took him a moment to align his millennium of mistreatment with seeing a stranger interpret for other strangers. But he grinned as he watched; there were few things he loved more than when humanity surprised him.

He was no longer on edge because of the pulsations but intrigued by the artist as work. The interpreter was terrific; her expressions and gestures were evocative and engaging, and she moved _fast_. It had been a few years since he’d watched an interpreter live – a contemporary play in Berlin that Book had dragged him to – but watching her sign, combined with the vibrations and the obvious energy pulsating between the singer and the crowd, created an atmosphere that was vivacious and intoxicating.

After a song or two, though, Joe’s eyes caught on the woman he was with. He tried his best not to stare, but it was difficult; Nile was radiant as she moved in the sun. And he didn’t mean that in a sensual sense, though she was obviously gorgeous. No, what made it difficult for Joe to look away was the way she _signed_.

Nile was disciplined, so it was hardly a surprise to learn that her signing was tight and controlled, very concise when it came to ASL. Andy was much the same way when she signed, so it was not unusual for him to see. But she wasn’t signing like she usually did. Or maybe she was, and Joe just wasn’t privy to it until this moment.

Joe recognized the difference between ASL and Black ASL when he saw it. He also knew that calling BASL just a dialect would be doing it a disservice. It was its own language, through and through, born out of necessity from a segregated education system. As white deaf kids were forced to use the newest, “better” oralist techniques that would take people another fifty years to figure out didn’t work, the black deaf community that was left behind managed to create their own unique language, and that language persisted. Joe knew it wasn’t his place to use it, of course, but he always thought it was beautiful, both the language itself and the resilient history behind it.

And so was Nile. The woman who he’d seen as so regimented and restricted now threw her arms out wide as she jumped to the music and signed with agility, rhythm and grace. There was nothing quiet about it, about her. Her smile, her eyes, her fingers and arms – were _loud_. BASL had a personality that ASL sometimes lacked, and Nile painted with its full potential as she signed with the music. The sun reflected in her glittery eyeshadow and golden hoops that framed a wide smile. Joe had always taken up so much space when he signed and had never apologized for it, but seeing her expressive delight fill up every molecule of space she moved in was like watching something come alive.

Joe loved people, loved them for their complexities and contradictions, but it wasn’t until now that he realized that the multitudes that lived within Nile Freeman might take his breath away.

He did his best not to stare and kept Nile in his peripheral vision as he moved with the beat and with her. She grabbed his bicep between songs and grinned at him, asking if he was having a good time, and Joe meant it when he said yes. It wasn’t just Nile; being in a crowd with other enthusiastic deaf people was fun, and he was starting to appreciate the subtle differences in the vibrations with each different song. That, alongside the interpreter’s viper-quick movements, made it a dazzling experience. He understood better now why people like him bothered to go to concerts. He might be the only one of the old seniors of their group who would, deaf or not, but it was nice to remind himself that there were new things to be gained by living in this century. It kept him from getting too crotchety with his age.

The sun was just starting its downward descent when the concert ended, and groups started to disperse. Joe was a bit overheated from the August sun, but Nile was practically dripping with sweat, dancing and signing for hours leaving her tired but steady on her feet. She was glowing, and not just from the light reflecting the sweat on her face. Her smile was warm, and Joe’s heart soared to see it.

“You really liked it?” she asked, her breath evening out like it did at the end of a run.

“It’s not every day that I get to experience something new.”

“That’s not an answer,” she signed, shaking her head.

“ _Yes_ , I enjoyed coming here with you,” Joe acquiesced, chuckling. “Thank you for sharing this place with me. It must be special.”

Nile paused. She turned back to the open-air stadium, watching the people file out like ants, and when she turned back, much to Joe’s surprise, her eyes were starting to water. When he’d seen her upset before, she was distant, and she usually escaped to be by herself when those moods hit her. Joe had given her space and understood. But here, out in the open, Joe wasn’t sure what to offer her to help.

Tentatively, Joe touched the back of Nile’s arm, and like a floodgate had opened, Nile started sobbing.

Joe gently guided her to a bench to sit on as she cried, waving away concerned parties with a thankful look as she sat with her head in her hands. It was such a reversal of her delight during that concert, when she was so open and free. It took Joe a moment to realize that Nile was just as open now as she was back there. It was just her emotions that had shifted. Joe had known Nile Freeman as a fortified individual. That didn’t mean that was all she was.

He sat next to her, debating if he should lay a steadying hand on her back since his touch seemed to be what set her off, but before he could decide, Nile leaned into his side. Joe let out a breath and put an arm around her shoulders, waiting patiently as she took deep breathes to tamper her sobs.

Her face finally emerged from her hands and Joe’s arm retreated as Nile sat up straighter on the bench, reigning in invisible control. Her luminous black eyes were stuck on the sparkling water of the lake in front of her. She didn’t turn her head when she finally signed something.

“I’m sorry.”

Joe blinked at her in surprise. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he said, angling his body so that he was sure she was watching him, even if she was determined to not meet his eyes. “Grief still sneaks up on me when I least expect it, and yours is still so fresh.”

Nile shook her head. She tried wiping her tears away, but as more came in their place, she gave up and decided to face Joe anyway. “Not for that,” she said, hands shaking a bit as she signed. “I… I haven’t been fair to you.”

Joe hadn’t seen Nile sign so uncertainly before, so he gave her what he hoped was an encouraging look as Nile steeled herself to continue.

“I know how it feels, to be looked at and not be seen. My mama would sometimes stare at me, and I knew she was seeing my dad. I know why she did it, understood it even then. But… I think I hated it.”

Joe wondered if this was the first time she’d ever said this to anyone, but she didn’t stop signing. “I hated that I would be right there, and all my mama could see was her own grief instead of me. And then, I turn around and do the exact same thing to you.”

Nile’s eyes met his for just a second, and Joe could see a whole life reflected in them before they darted away, and she continued. “I learned sign language for my little brother. My whole family did. And we were so _proud_ of him. And obviously, I’ve communicated with other people, but…”

She trailed off, and Joe started to understand.

“Signing makes you remember him,” Joe said calmly. “It triggers your grief for him.”

Nile furiously wiped away another tear before continuing. “It’s stupid, and I don’t want you to think it’s your fault, but I kept avoiding you instead of doing anything about it, which isn’t how my mama raised me, and I _know_ you’re not him, I don’t _want_ you to be him, but I don’t know how –”

“Slow down,” Joe signed at a purposefully measured pace, waiting for Nile to catch her breath and steady her shaking hands. She closed her eyes, and Joe was surprised that he recognized how she inhaled and put her hands on her thighs; it was what she did when she needed to re-center herself. When she opened them again, her gaze was filled with emotion but now unflinching.

“And I don’t want you to think that I like you just because I loved him.”

Joe had to think before responding. Nile seemed to expect this, and for a few minutes, the two of them did nothing but stare out and watch the sun paint the lake a dark orange as it descended. Then, he turned back to Nile.

“I don’t think love works like that,” he started carefully. “I don’t think love is a well with a limited quantity that we have to carefully dish out to individuals. People love individually, and that bond is special, of course, but… I think,” Joe said, pointing out to the water in front of them, “I think our love is like the ocean, with waves that crash on different shores, but with waters made of the same whole.”

Nile no longer seemed on the verge of tears, so he continued, calm and thoughtful. “I understand how you’re feeling, in a sense. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that choosing to love Nicolò did not mean I loved my people any less. I had to learn to trust that my heart made the right choice, and that there was room enough in it for everyone I cared about.”

“There’s no easy answer, especially when it comes to loving and grieving. But Nile,” – and he had to get these words right for both of their sakes, so he gestured softly and locked eyes with her – “You never have to worry that I’ll be hurt because I remind you of someone you love. The fact that you took me to this place, that you trusted your love for him with me at all… that’s an _honor_ , Nile.”

Nile was crying again, but this time, she didn't look away. They were building something here, something special, and he sensed that they both knew it.

“One day,” Joe said, his own mind shifting through the sands of time, “The language we’re using right now won’t exist anymore. But as time goes on and linguistics change, you’ll still be using the foundation of what you shared with your brother. That’s something that can never be taken from you.”

They finally broke eye contact when the wind brushed a braid from her shoulder. As she sat now, she seemed more still, more at peace. Joe considered her against the backdrop of the shimmering sunset. She was remarkable in a million ways, and the strength in her spine as she sat tall was evidence that she knew that. She might still need time to feel at home with them, but Nile already had a beach in Joe’s ocean. After all his worrying, in the end, it turned out that loving her was easy -- just not for the reasons he thought it might be. But he meant what he said, and Joe looked forward to seeing what shape their shores took.

“You know that’s a lake, though, right?” Nile signed with a weakly raised brow.

Joe felt himself laugh, and then he half-heartedly tried to push Nile off the bench, but she sat firm, her lips finally cracking a smile. As he quieted, even though he shouldn't be able to tell the difference, he still knew that the silence between them felt easier than it had in days.

“I love it, you know,” Nile said suddenly, and if her eyes betrayed some vulnerability, she still refused to be shy as she faced him again. “Even though it hurts sometimes, you should still know. I love that I can keep signing with you. I just didn’t want you to think that I don’t see _you_ when I do.”

And then Joe felt his own traitorous eyes start to well up. Stepping away from the group for a few days was good for him, he had told himself, even as his mountain of unfinished business still threatening to topple him. But he hadn’t realized how much this worry was weighing on him.

He immediately turned to wrap his arms around the newest member of his family. Doubts that such intentions would be unwelcome disappeared when she clutched back just as tightly and dug her nose against his beard. A few escaped tears slid down his cheeks and mingled with her own.

Nile offered her hand as they started walking home. Joe took it.

* * *

Nile started the first leg of the drive the next morning. First thing she did was turn up the bass. Joe felt the even vibrations through the leather of the car, tapped his fingers on the rim of the window. He turned to Nile, and they shared a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested in learning more about Black American Sign Language, [these](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/sign-language-that-african-americans-use-is-different-from-that-of-whites/2012/09/17/2e897628-bbe2-11e1-8867-ecf6cb7935ef_story.html) two [articles](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2020/02/21/how-america-developed-two-sign-languages-one-white-one-black/) are a good place to start. 
> 
> Please come yell at me @ tumblr: [flightsofwonder](https://flightsofwonder.tumblr.com/).


End file.
